well I can't set my house on fire every night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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