why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
