i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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