I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
