Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
