So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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