Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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