we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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