were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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