and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
