I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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