i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
