I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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