I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
