I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
