i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
