I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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