I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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