My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize