In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
