omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
