: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
