I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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