I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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