Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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