I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
