she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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