Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
