i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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