oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
