Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
