now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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