I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Randomize
