hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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