i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
