I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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