i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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