My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize