...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
