true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
