you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
