dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
