bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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