I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
