i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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