you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
