Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
