this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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