Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
