The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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