I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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